sar·don·ic

Scornfully or cynically mocking.

Over the past eight months, I've only shared news of my dad's disease with a handful of my friends. I wasn't ashamed. I was overwhelmed.

I spent my winter break and this summer break helping my dad get through his treatment and my mom maintain a "normal" life for my brother. I never knew that sitting in a hospital would leave me so exhausted, but now I sure do. I've learned that mental exhaustion does not come accompanied by physical triumph, like how physical exhaustion brings about mental triumph. Run around in a soccer field all day, at least you get to walk away with a trophy once in a while.

Some of the few people I've talked to about this have told me that I have "strength." Is that what I've been experiencing?

I had been thinking the exact opposite: that this was weakness, for never before have I felt so weak. It's funny - I wish I could show all those people who told me that I had "so much energy" how languid I am right now.

But if that is true, that this is what is called "strength," this is life's cruelest joke, as far as I'm concerned. That strength resides in those that can only feel the strength of their weakness.

I allowed myself to cry for the first time this summer. Is that "strength"? When do I get my fucking trophy?

(Another application of today's word. Saddam being forced to watch himself on South Park.)